Damages

They don't fit together.

I'm crushing suns leaving de-calibrated  scales

and hues you force into view. 

They're wrong.  

Retrospect from a delusional man.

Who'd ever know what is real. 

"leap of faith"

Bruised and I don't mind today.

Watching the sun rise just as I watched it set.

Witnessed the cycle.

I have a lot on my mind.

This move and the path I should take.

It can't ever be simple, they're always life changing.

So many things could fail and they are failing, I can see the rust 

building around the turnstile and I'll be trapped once again.

In the room questioning:

Who turned the calendar back,

Who removed the numbers from the clock,

Who decided that I needed downtime?

And now that luna is over there,

where in the first time in years I have something to look forward to.

No false hopes or promises,  no pressure and someone to trust me.

Comfortable silence is all that I've needed.

I am nervous and beside myself.

Following my intuition and I'm not being pushed away for it.

Someone extending their hand to me for once and...

It has taken so much effort in my life for something this simple, for a few days of solace.

I tried and exclaimed one more time with words falling like bricks, the best way I could and it happened.

Thunder

Shared a photograph this evening, it was an accurate depiction of the future that I now live, every day was a stride across the fraying timeline.

Nothing has change nor will it ever. Proof is burning.

I told her that I was a murderer. 

But I constantly kill myself. 

An empty hand swings freely

with each passing season.

The hours that hold me back 

grow longer as

you wait for thunder and 

I wait for another reason...

Counting the years that buried me alive

I look in retrospect and see that I've buried myself

and I'm having trouble swimming through this sea of gravel

is there anyone anywhere?

I've said failed trying is not enough

but it is too much. 

I breathe this air to accommodate the rest of you.

I've no reason to live outside of this room, outside of the absent.

Exhaling these words wrought with tension and deliberation

I've tried. I love. 

It is what I didn't say, because you're never here to let me...

*look into the sky, I know - you can go now*

Waiting Room

simple pleasures shouldn't require drastic measures.

and I'll leave next week and find you... the drastic measure.

irreplaceable as you are, I seek your likeness.

and perhaps I'll sleep in sanity.

'Here now. Came as soon as possible.

I know I borrowed too much time

and i see where its left you.

But since we're here, take a number, sit here.

They've built a soft place for you -

(in my absence)

I realize that my cure has slipped through

what have I passed on to you?

And if you struggle to open my hands

then you'll want to see everything

how the future is empty and that I really hold nothing.

lead in thin air

constricted breathing

sick with dementia

blank spaces

brilliant lights- fail in sequence

all that we have to lose.

open your eyes

close down the sighs

everything is clear inside

you were pale for quite some time

and spent so much time to have left nothing behind.

somewhere lost in a day

my number flew away

where did they take you?

look what you'll come back to

there will be no life left in this place

there will be no signs of struggle

nothingmore to nothingness

my life has been breached and theres no second left.'

Another waiting room I've put myself into.

This grief is unbearable.

Failure. Contact. Relapse.

I dress in black because I move in slow motion.

I watch myself moving, like a funeral procession and I put nothing behind me.

I swam thru dusk and watch you fall from the sky, remembering that I had done the same as a child

and then as a young man... watching your reflection in the lake that I circled.

I would sing, "is there anyone anywhere at this time asking for anyone anywhere like me".

I started singing when I was eight or nine. I haven't got a reply. 

I listened so hard to dissonant melodies likened to a malison swansong

and to things not of this earth, they couldn't be.

I push and push to keep it from happening,

it happens anyhow, the things I do to myself.

I must do them, I can't bear to have anyone do it.

I don't keep romantic hours

I wish I'd stop knowing and predicting.

I'd like some silence.

I live for my own detriment.

What is wrong, not with the world, but me?

In two weeks time, it will fall through.

Commemorating Failure

I EXCLAIM, "YOU'RE A VERTICAL MILE FROM NOW".

Are you going to make it thru the cycle this time?

Because I recall your train of thought being derailed.

Another year and we can put the same regrets in a box

tuck them neatly away with the others.

If I'd dumped the contents of each into a pile 

you'd find it all identical. You know?

I've lived with the suffering, but now...

Circuit Burn

From the 94th floor.

It only keeps you safe.

And I've been going about it the wrong way.

I don't have hours upon hours to spare, anymore.

I send things for no other reason than to send them.

"Call it"

"....?"

"the time"

"....!"

"no one to notify"

Failed trying is not enough.